I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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