Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
