remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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