my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
there is puke in my bra ... again
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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