i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize