The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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