Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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