at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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