The maid of honor just puked.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
