That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
