addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
