Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
