I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
