He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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