yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
