Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
