I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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