Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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