Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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