getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
