I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
