I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize