i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
