My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
