if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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