Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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