Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
