U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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