Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
