someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Randomize
