i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
drinking out of a sandbucket again
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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