Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
