Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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