a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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