I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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