I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize