Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
