she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
you made out with another girl for some wings
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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