I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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