i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
