Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
