how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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