my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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