i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
