Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Randomize
