Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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