no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
