no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
