You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
