i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
