I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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