Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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