you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
