He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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