the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
