I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
