You can't special order awesome
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
