I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Randomize
