I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
