I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize