theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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